BOOK REVIEW - That's not what I meant!

 

That's Not What I Meant!

How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks a Relationship

That's Not What I Meant 

By Deborah Tannen 

Harper Collins; Pages 214; 

Price $14.99

 

                               

The very title of the book will revive memories in almost everyone’s minds when they had to say "that's not what I meant.” There are occasions when someone says A suggests an action in the interest of say B. If B misunderstands and says that is the thing which will ruin him, the former has to say “that’s not what I meant”.  The author has made the book interesting and instructive through several examples of conversations that went completely awry. 

 

She has based the narration on sound linguistic concepts but avoided getting into complex techniques and formulas. Her starting point is that misunderstandings, or so-called information gaps, are not restricted to any one language, country, region or even social status. “That’s not what I said” incidents are numerous and sharper in closer relations. The author has reproduced complete conversations to enable the reader to grasp how little things bring up other matters that are not even related to the one on which the differences first began.

 

The book locks up the reader's interest as the author cites a conversation between herself and her husband that led to a separation after seven years of married life. In her brutally frank words, "How did this lovable man turn into a cruel lunatic when we tried to talk things out……….and make me turn into one too?” The style of conversation is often the reason, she says. Incidentally, the author took up formal linguistic study after her divorce.

 

She asserts that the “that's not what I said” incidents happen in business too. Though executives are trained for smooth-talking, the style takes its toll. Her observation is that Americans are more focused, task-oriented and want to "get down to the brass tacks right away”. On the other hand, the Japanese, Arabs and Greeks are keen to have small talk to establish a relationship before getting into hard facts.

 

The gives tips in the section "What to do?”.The first step is for one to understand his or her conversation style. If the other party permits, recording an entire conversation and later, calmly reviewing it can help make improvements. If you are talking continuously, stop and count to six before speaking again to check if others want a turn. If someone is constantly raising questions, after a while, you too start asking questions, so that will help cool down for audience sake.

 

The most important parts of the book are that if (i) public tragedies and social disorders, and (ii) failure to reach international understanding are observed, steps should be taken to the first check if it is a failure of communication. 

 

In conclusion, the author says that “it is the hope of this book that insights into communication styles will enhance, if not ensure, mutual understanding."