Reduce Psychological Distance to Avoid Joining Millions in the World Who are ‘Strangers to Others and to Themselves’

Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” was first published in 1936 and over 30 million copies have been sold worldwide to date. Since then, thousands of self-help books have been published and there are hundreds of coaching classes on that subject and other related topics. Priests, monks, and other wise persons have also been giving sermons on ‘love thy neighbour’ and ‘know thyself. 

And yet, various surveys by reputable organizations reveal that millions of people find themselves to be strangers not only to people that they know but even to themselves.

What could be the reason for such a colossal failure in such an important aspect of life, career and happiness?

The key reason appears to be ‘psychological distance’. The APA Dictionary of Psychology defines psychological distance as “the degree of a person’s detachment or disengagement from emotional involvement with one or more other people”. One more definition of psychological distance is “a cognitive separation between the self and other instances such as persons, events or times”.  Clearly, ‘persons’ includes oneself – yes, many are estranged from their own self.

Psychological distance impacts all aspects of life - career, trade, education, occupation, relationships, happiness, health, among them. How strong is the impact of psychological distance on these various aspects?

If we mention figures here, it will lead to controversies. As observed above, according to authentic sources, an alarmingly large proportion of the population suffers from the detachment syndrome. The purpose of this article is not to have readers give a cursory glance to the figures and provide casual comments. We aim to have the active involvement of readers to create awareness about the seriousness of this issue and its wider implications so that corrective actions can be taken.

To achieve the above aim, we are listing only a few questions and will leave it to you to find the answers, weigh on them, distill lessons and take corrective steps, both for yourself and others. We also provide a few ideas to help you reduce psychological distance. 

Questions 

•  What percentage of people know themselves well?

•  What percentage of couples are completely happy?

• What percentage of families do not have problems due to “generation gaps”?

• What percentage of students like their schools?

• What percentage of students like and admire their teachers?

• What percentage of students change their major?

• What percentage of people think they are in the wrong job?

• What percentage of employees admire their organisation?

• What percentage of employees admire their bosses?

• What percentage of innovative, useful and fault-free new products fail in the market?

• What percentage of companies find it tough to enter new local and foreign markets?

Lessons

As mentioned at the beginning, several legendary and wise people have evolved innumerable guidelines for reducing psychological distance. However, the onus is on the individual to learn and continuously improve one’s behaviour. There are no quick fixes available.

Here is the most valuable lesson that can help you reduce psychological distance and gel well with others. 

The authors of the best seller book, “Trillion Dollar Coach”  (reviewed in one of our past blogs), have distilled the most valuable lesson from Bill Campbell’s approach to managing in general and coaching in particular. It is the most valuable lesson because of the tremendous success Bill Campbell achieved. He coached founders of Google and several other Silicon Valley stars. A thousand VIPs considered Bill as their best friend. The Google founders, while commenting on their company’s progress from a start-up to the most valuable company, candidly admit that “without Bill’s help there was a chance that none of that would have happened”.

What is that lesson worth trillions of dollars? It is in a separate chapter of the book titled ‘The Power of Love’. The authors observe that the “love word is not heard in business” but it was central to Bill’s style. Bill would hug, wink, blow a kiss in the corridors and even in meetings. He also used the ‘F’ word often and frequently cursed. “Bill got away” with all that because “all of his behaviour came from the heart”. People knew all those gestures meant he loved you. The love was apparent in his trust and care for people. So, put love at the centre of your life, career and business matters. 

One should love oneself too and improve continuously through introspection, evaluation of the encounters, observing, listening and learning from several resources like the ‘Johari Window. After every meeting ask yourself  “do I like and admire this person? Does s/he sense that through my verbal and non-verbal signals?” It is very rewarding to keep such persons' contact details and keep in touch to expand one's friend circle. David Rockefeller the renowned industrialist  had  "a Rolodex containing 150,000 names, eventually electronic, but originally on cards with handwritten notes of date and place"

One thousand people considered Bill Campbell as their best friend. What would your score be? Higher the score, the more powerful the wizard.